Find out what it means to me.
Imagine there is a woman who is intelligent, reasonably good looking, independent, earns her living and has opinions based on her own experiences. She is physically and verbally abused for being just that. She runs from one abusive situation to the next – but things never really change. She goes for therapy and learns about co-dependence. She tries to change. She “works” on herself. She tells herself things so she can get by without getting damaged. But in the end, it’s still the same. She tries to become “an even better person” so it would stop. She tries to be more confident. She tries to respect herself all the time. But again, she finds herself on the bathroom floor, muffling her sobs with a towel and crying her eyes out. She goes to work everyday struggling through her life for something she loves. She is criticised and disrespected at every opportunity. Everyone wants to be a part of the fun, you know. They all want a piece of her. She reasons and tries to understand. She is verbally humiliated for her efforts. She tries to help people and she is called selfish. She wants to choose for herself but people insist and interfere. They call themselves her friends but they just hurt her. When she is weak, they kick her harder. She rationalises and tries to “correct” herself some more but that just gets her more abuse. She watches them enjoy themselves while they hurt her and she forgives them because that’s what a good person is supposed to do. When she pulls back, they call her selfish and self-involved. She is called boring but not allowed to have any fun. Infact what she calls fun is bad for everyone. She is an inconsiderate person when she asks why. She is criticised for what she loves. She is judged and hated at every turn. And if she doesn’t stroke their egos, then she is pushed away and yelled at and hated some more.
And in the end, she is told who would respect and love a woman like that? A woman who is no good. An inconsiderate, selfish woman. A woman who only thinks of herself and nobody else. They take her good intentions, her time, her money and give her nothing but kicks and shoves and hurtful words. Who would love and respect a woman like that, they say. The abusive bastards. They give her new names that bite into her and leave her feeling sick with self-loathing. They change her and make her bitter. Then they hate her some more. They twist her mind and her body. She is not allowed to ask for anything in return. And then they say, who would love and respect somebody like her? She isn’t worth it, they say. Just not good enough, they say. And in their lives, she is just this person who is boring, who works too much, and cares about all the wrong things.
Who are these people? What hole do they crawl out of? They look like normal people. They pretend to be aware and educated and oh so good at everything they do. They pretend like they matter. I spit on these people. I shit on them. They are corrupt, incompetent, inconsiderate and shallow. They can’t see beyond themselves. They hurt people and then walk away to their own stupid inconsequential lives. And anyone who believes them – believes in them – suffers a great deal. Like our imaginary woman. She suffers because she lets herself suffer. She suffers because she trusts people. She also suffers because she has a twisted idea about what a being a good person means. It’s her fault.