Tag Archives: memories

Army of Me

On May 26th, 2005 I wrote the following:

Sometimes you can go through life without knowing your head is screwed on backwards. And then when you become aware (unwittingly ofcourse) then you feel like you’re turned inside out. After the initial embarrassment, you might even contemplate suicide to redeem yourself. How could it be? I mean if I was looking down and I saw my ass then something was wrong wasn’t it? But oh no. I didn’t know. Maybe I didn’t want to know. And now I’m standing in a pile of poo (my own) and it stinks.
To get it on the right way again takes a lot of work. For that I have a PLAN. I am an army and I will save myself. Who is the enemy? Uh I’m not sure. But I am an army. Misery is pointless. I need to get my head on the right way again! And when I accomplish that there will be many things to look forward to:
  • Nobody will tell me who I should be (oh when you’re head is on backwards, you believe all kinds of rubbish)
  • I will have healthy fixations (not people but things)
  • I will be busy often
  • I will always have something to do
  • I will rely on myself and not blame anyone (not even myself – and since my head will be on the right way I won’t have to)
  • I will have a life
  • I will have a future – a real one instead of some murky thing that doesn’t seem worth having
  • I will not have sleepless nights for any other reason except work (or play)
  • I will not be miserable
  • I will not wait for him to call me
  • I will not look behind me
  • I will not look down and see my ass staring back at me (and so I will feel like less of an ass)
  • Oh and I’ll have an army (of myself – which is kind of exciting)

And with my army (and all the other exciting things I have to look forward to) I will be alright (uh) and…and…then other uh things will happen (but I don’t know what they are yet).

Funny, how things change. Funny, how I barely remember who the him was. But what is very interesting is how I actually did manage all those things. So having a plan isn’t such a bad idea afterall. I remember I was shocked out of my mind by something that had happened to me. I went through life without knowing what was happening around me for six whole months. And then it all changed and here I am, five years later. And I have an army of myself.

Love Me

I made this five years ago. Ask, and you shall receive. Worked for me.