After a reading this, I looked back (as usual) at my previous life and I found this:
Sunday, September 18, 2005
something’s bound to happen. i hope its good. i’m making work like a machine. that cannot be a bad thing. i’m worried it will be recieved badly. thats a valid thing i suppose. its not something i imagined out of nowhere. my goal is clear in my head after years it seems. even if this goes badly, i should not give up. i should keep the faith.
i cannot sleep. its not from worrying though. i sleep at the wrong times and my caffiene intake doesnt allow me to sleep even when i’m tired. then i have to take a pill. i have to change that somehow.
NOTE TO SELF: quit all that coke and coffee.
somehow i don’t know if i will. but i need to sleep normally. and too many pills will just lead to more pills.
Right. Some things never change.
In 2005, I was two years out of my BFA and I was scared. I was scared shitless. I was also happily ignorant of many things. I just knew that life was difficult being a young artist. I didn’t even realize the struggle yet to come. I was just a machine – producing art-work without much thought of what was to become of it. Sometimes I miss that time. I was younger and sillier (I’m still young and silly) and I had no clue – really. And I had no idea I’d end up – well, here (wherever here is).
Art-school is hard enough. I’m at the other end now but I haven’t forgotten what it was like. Afterall, it wasn’t decades ago. I doubt I’ll ever forget. I remember the ritalin-induced frenzy towards the end – right before my degree show. My heart never slowed down and my hands never stopped. But my brain was fried for sure. Everything I felt was so important and the world was waiting for me. But right after, coming down from all that it was absolutely awful. Instead of the world, disappointment was waiting for me in every corner. I remember crying and feeling hopeless.
But with time, everything changed. Grad-school was so much better. It changed everything. However, I’m not claiming that I don’t feel that way even now. I do. And I am not ashamed. I feel angry mostly. I see things and I understand how things work. And that just makes me angry. I guess I’m just not as helpless as I used to be. Besides, I have something to look forward to. I’m corrupting young minds afterall. That’s something.
It could all lead to nothing at all. I guess I’ve accepted that too. I know I’m doing something as opposed to nothing. Another interesting approach is this. Now that is something I still have to think about some more but it all connects. We’re all doing something. I wonder if it’s worth anything (does it matter?) and if we’ll change the current structure of the way things are.
Education is a serious matter. We’re overrun with incompetent fools and aunties but we will survive. We will think and not let our brains rot. We will educate ourselves. We will educate others. But is that just a ruse for control? What do we really want? These are important questions but I don’t really have any answers. I’m just trying too hard.
Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with wi-tribe.