“I hate people who must blame the victim, who have to have a reason to blame everything on somebody, like everyone is accountable for whatever happens to them – like karma. Karma was invented to keep the miserable in a position of acceptance.” – Karen Finley
Haven’t we all heard from (so called) wise sages that it gets very lonely at the top? Yes, we have been told that since we can remember. but those wise people forgot to mention that it can get very dirty at the top as well. Yes. Literally dirty. Maybe I should explain.
So I finally ended up with the much awaited tenure. And I happen to be one of the only two to get that raise in pay-scale (and it’s a very significant raise) and of course, everything (and everyONE) went bonkers after that. I didn’t think it would cause such mayhem. Both of us are:
1. Young women.
6. Young women.
7. Young women.
Yes. We’re young and we’re women. And we kicked everyone’s ass I suppose. That’s never a good thing around here. So, somebody comes and stuffs litter through the bottom of my office door while I was happily teaching my class in a studio upstairs. Now, there isn’t a lot of space down there so I’m still trying to figure out how they managed. And why would they do such a bizarre thing in the first place? There are other options. They could pass catty remarks while passing me in the corridors. They could use clever double entendres in conversations. They could stick out their tongues. I can think of so many things they could do. Oh and of course, they could stab me in the back. But this litter business is beyond me. Also, somebody stole a gift that somebody else sent for me. How rude.
But in the end, we make more money than them so they can all go and fuck themselves. Really.
Deep inside though, I feel terrible. I did my best and hoped for better. I worked like a mule. I gave my life to my work. I can’t help being this way. I didn’t hurt anyone or put anyone down. I was never catty or hateful. I just did my job and more. Is this guilt? I’m an aggressive woman. If pushed hard enough, I do tend to explode. Sigh. This isn’t even the top (I don’t think I want to climb a mountain or anything) and even then, it’s pretty damn lonely. Why must I look for affirmation from people who aren’t even worth thinking about? Old habits die hard. Old me dies harder.