The Auntie Bomb

Ok back to auntie bashing. I couldn’t help myself. Same shit, different day (yes, I adore Stephen King). For a while there, I was wallowing in self-indulgent introspection but how long can that last? I waited a while to get into this but shying away from what I can’t help doing seems retarded. And I need catharsis too, you know. I go to work everyday and I project this adult, reasonable personality that I can hardly relate to most of the time. It’s like an endless game of pretend and the side-effects of this game are not pretty. My brain feels like a puddle of – well, watery crap.

That said and done, I should get down to business. I accept it’s a small crime. And I’m not naming names – oh no, the name game never helps. Yeah. So there I was, minding my business (I try, I really do) and along comes an auntie and ruins everything. You know, some of them aren’t as bad as I used to think but some are just incorrigible.

It was a small issue. There was a sizable misunderstanding. But then it became personal and the whole world exploded. The story goes like this: she said and then she said and then both the shes (or maybe there were more than just those two) said some more and humpty dumpty was a broken egg-man. All in a days work, right? I’ve forgotten what the real issue was. And then there was the cat.

My friend and I share a cat. It lives in his house. But I claim it too. It’s one of those friendly things. A very friendly thing. Oh you know what I mean. We love that cat. He belonged to somebody else who didn’t want him anymore. A friend’s relative. Now that friend gave him to an auntie with a horrible set of kids who really wanted the cat. The equally horrible auntie (who didn’t even feed the cat right) eventually didn’t want the cat anymore. So my friend and I adopted the cat. Boring story, I know but it gets interesting.

This auntie now wants the cat back occassionally. How does that figure? Oh it doesn’t. My friend let her take him once and she sent him back with a bad case of tick fever. Poor cat almost died and had a thermometer shoved up his backside by the vet too. Besides, it cost a fortune to have him up and about again. So I don’t like this auntie.

She’s the same auntie at work who took a big dump on my head by really screwing things up. And I had to swallow my hatred of her ways and deal with it all. I don’t think anyone likes her and I cannot really disclose what really happened except that she screwed up big time and offended everyone. And yours truly had to pick up the pieces (with some help from some good friends who I love for their ability to swallow their own hatred of aunties) in the name of professionalism.

This woman is a selfish piece of donkey shit. She cares only about herself (and her ugly children maybe) and thinks she’s god’s own shit. A queen. As if her interminable BO wasn’t bad enough (yes folks, she stinks of onion sweat), she is always complaining about something. I’d love to kick her in the head. And she has no bathroom manners. She wafts in followed by her stink, and uses my office bathroom and makes such a mess that it isn’t funny anymore.

Sometimes I have no idea why I have to put up with people like her. And I have to show respect when all I want to do is run away screaming. But then again, nobody said it would be easy. Oh well.


2 responses to “The Auntie Bomb

  1. haha, great post, apparently aunties have become in vogue:

    You really should get you blood pressure checked, these Aunty interactions are leaving you worse for wear.

    What is the opinion of the cat? I think you need a ‘Cat Whisperer’ to find out.

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