Office Assistant from Hell

Deeply immersed within all the nine circles of suffering (allegorically) amidst aunties of the worst kind, now I am presented with yet another evil – the assistant from hell.

Now this woman is a true auntie (besides being a hellish being of monstrous proportions). She is overly endowed with ungainly flesh that wobbles its way into my space. Frankly, her presence itself makes me nauseous and slightly dizzy (considering the smell). Also, she is gifted with making people uncomfortable with her lurking – she lurks instead of merely being there. I don’t know how some people master this art of lurking in wide open spaces. In other words, she is an auntie from hell.

This particular monster has an appalling fashion sense that might appeal to a myopic, lecherous cab driver on Murree Road (you know, the kind that spits out of his window right into yours) with vulgarly transparent clothes on her excessive flesh, oily face and beady little eyes and those impossible heels. Gosh, those heels scare me a little. Ofcourse, she expects to sit in the office all day on her fat ass instead of actually doing her job which might even get her some excercise. Aside from the thrusting wobbly bosom (which probably got her the job in the first place, in my humble opinion), the stink and the excessive oil on her, she truly belongs in the Pakistani Auntie Hall of Fame as one hell of a good example of paindu auntie.

I fail to understand how such people get hired to communicate when they can barely manage decent speech. And the attitude that goes with her bizarre appearance makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. She thinks she owns the place and has been attempting to boss yours truly. Now, I don’t take that too well – especially from a two-bit, almost illiterate monster from auntie hell who used her balloon breasts to get a job. Of course I sort of approved her appointment because I really didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. But Ms. Balloon Breasts will get an ass-kicking she hasn’t dreamt of in her oily little brain.

Maybe it isn’t even worth it. I mean she hasn’t heard of the spell-check that MS Word does automatically. Also she has strange ideas about toilet paper that are truly unprintable. Sigh. Just my luck.


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18 responses to “Office Assistant from Hell

  1. Hahaha you seem pissed and now i know why! *oily little brain* ! Hilarious!

  2. haha, as was once said and often repeated afterwards, “may you live in interesting times”.

    I think you’ve gotten more than your fair share.

    Suggestion: Give her loads and loads of random crap work to do. And tell her how all of it is from THE BOSS. She’ll quit.

    If that doesn’t work, laxatives in her chai. If she doesn’t quit, atleast she’ll physically deflate.

  3. Hahaha..btw saw your interview in women’s own..pretty impressive and i LOVe your work!

  4. That was kind of mean though :p

  5. Can I be your office assistant? I have a nice rack, an functioning brain, impressive vocabulary, dignified presence and I love sharing snacks. Consider the humble offer, m’dear.

    • Sure – especially if you want to be an underpaid lackey and have your superior intelligence insulted every 5 minutes. But then I’d have your back so maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. I sure as hell need a sentient being around me instead of a lump of meat with no brain cells.

  6. See? The incorrect use of an article up there. I am a failure. But I love your blog so.

  7. Absolutely noticed! šŸ˜€

  8. Well I can imagine your plight. I haven’t even gotten out of college yet and already I feel disgusted anytime I come in contact with these aunties, though fortunately I hardly do come across them. I hope that I get an auntie proof job.

    But on the positive site, these aunties are increasing traffic to your site, though they aren’t getting what they were expecting.

  9. Pingback: Auntie Wars | art ka pakistan

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