Bite that Auntie!

Hello folks. I’m back.

After hiding in various corners for a long, long time, I was rudely pulled back into the world with the end of summer break. I won’t even go into the painful eid festivities. I’ll just stick to auntie bashing. After all, it’s been a while.

Things are chaotic at work. My esteemed colleagues are like flies that get trapped in cars and they just go bonkers and bump into everything without getting anywhere. The aunties have descended upon me in full force. The first day at work was insane. They talked utter shit for hours. I kept fantasizing I was the Terminator shooting them dead. Or just kicking their faces in and laughing maniacally. Of course I got all messed up by the time I got home. So, I decided an attitude adjustment was the best way to survive the first few days of work. Being uber cool, I will survive.

The truth is that they’re dumb bitches. There. I’ve said it. Bite me.

The beginning of the term is hectic. Especially after summer break. Everyone gets used to relaxing a lot so it’s hard to get back to work anyway. I’m sure the aunties relax too. I wonder how they do it but then I really shouldn’t give a shit. Curiosity killed the cat afterall. There really is a lot of work to be done so that the term goes as smoothly as possible. Amidst all this chaos, the aunties appear. Some haven’t bothered to show up which is a relief but the ones who are present are mostly interested in:

  • talking about their lameass kids
  • talking about what they were wearing on eid
  • talking about what others were wearing on eid
  • talking about how much their clothes matched their shoes on eid
  • wondering about who married whom during the summer
  • talking about their lameass kids
  • talking some more about their lameass kids

Do they realize how utterly boring and nonsensical they are? The country is falling apart. People have lost their lives and minds. Planes have crashed. The floods have wiped out everything. But no. None of that please. Lets talk about little booger eating monsters (that they have dutifully produced almost asexually since husbands are only good for money) and matching clothes with shoes. I hate them with a passion. They will produce more like themselves and bore this country to death. Who hires these people? Completely irresponsible idiots, I suppose. Why isn’t anyone watching?

Also, they know nothing except how to turn normal stuff into elaborate intrigues so they don’t have to work. They really don’t want to work. They want to match their clothes and their shoes. They want to talk shit all day long. They want me to stop smoking in MY office because they’re allergic. Look, I know it’s bad for me. I’m old enough to want to quit. But it’s really up to me, isn’t it?

There is one particular lameass auntie who I’d love to beat up to a pulp. She has been so far up my ass that I can taste her loud perfume. All she does is annoy me for no apparent reason. She has come to a point where she physically tries to nudge me into submission. It’s ridiculous and sad. These are the educators of young Pakistan. I don’t know what to say anymore.


19 responses to “Bite that Auntie!

  1. “talking some more about their lameass kids”
    ah the irony of living a nightmare with open eyes. All my prayers for you. Hope that one day you are liberated of this auntie madness. Of all the things going around (or flying around) in PK, they can talk only of their kids and eid dress, talk about the apathy 🙂


    • Exactly!
      And yes, I live in a nightmare. Every day it gets worse. I fear that soon I’ll turn into a raving, drooling lunatic. But even then, its funny sometimes when I’m not freaking out.

  2. Haha, wow, hilarious stuff; I realize it’s poor form to take joy in your apparent hellacious discomfort, but I’ve never been the considerate sort in the first place.

    We all live in our own world. We look to the mirror for the most important person in our lives and slightly expand into family and friends. It sucks, but that’s us for you.

  3. Nadia's sweet hubby

    Planes have crashed? South Asian aunties exaggerate like that.

  4. Nadia's sweet hubby

    What are you so busy in? Replied after two days, thought you were dead.

  5. Nadia's sweet hubby

    Can I have your MSN? 🙂

  6. Nadia's sweet hubby

    Now, we have our devoted Auntie-hater lost.

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